Back From the Honeymoon

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After reading Joe Nelson’s August 17 blog entry, I thought I would also comment on “diabetes in the bedroom.” I just got back from my honeymoon, and it’s safe to say I’m no longer a virgin and my wife has not contracted diabetes from our interactions. Score one for “the Brimley.” (In case you don’t know, “the Brimley” is the new nickname for diabetes since the term diabetic is obsolete. If folks ask why you have to take shots or wear a pump on your stomach, tell them you’ve got “the Brimley.”)

Back to the honeymoon. We spent five days in Anguilla, and I can say with all confidence in the world, it is impossible not to have sex in Anguilla. If you’re having problems with the physical side of your relationship, take five days in Anguilla and see what happens. Anguilla is located just north of St. Martin/St. Maarten in the Caribbean and is a tiny little island great for a private getaway. But enough of the chit chat—let’s get to the point here.

After many hours of contemplation, the best analogy I can come up with for diabetes in—and sometimes out of—the bedroom is that it’s like the awkward son of your parents’ close friends. You’re forced to hang out with this person your whole life, and he really wants you to be his best friend, but he brings nothing to the table. Everyone has one of these folks in his or her life. You would never be friends with this person were it not for your parents, and this person, like diabetes, is always around and in the way. For example, say you’re single and attending a wedding. You’re thinking the wedding will be perfect place to get back in the dating game, but lurking in the back corner, waiting to trump your chance, is that old friend you don’t like but whose presence you have to acknowledge. He is always going to be there, excited to see you, and you’ve got to give him the required attention.

Diabetes is similar to this as it always requires your attention and, try as you may, you can’t not think about it. I often feel as though diabetes limits my spontaneity. For example, before my wife and I take a walk on the beach, I check my blood sugar and stuff a granola bar into my pocket. Diabetes is on my mind; I’m always thinking about it. I find it easy to make light of as it is my way of life. But when it comes to being spontaneous in a sexual manner, that’s when the real fun begins.

Obviously, sex is exercise, and exercise lowers your blood sugar. I really don’t want to be under the sheets with a blood sugar level below 110 mg/dl. So in the heat of the moment, I’ve found that there is nothing hotter than saying, “Hang on one second and let me check my blood sugar.” This really turns my wife on, as does my taking a quick sip of OJ to get ready for the “main event.” It works every time. If that doesn’t work for you, maybe you can try eating fruit off of your partner as foreplay. Grapes work particularly well. I guess.

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